Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Time to be real

This is going to be a little bit different blog post. In this blog post, I will not only share about something I have created, but I am going to share me. In the 40 some years I have been on this earth, I have dealt with depression a few times. 

This year is one of those times. I don't feel like I did after having two babies in 19 months. I don't feel like I did when I unexpectedly lost my father, on his birthday. There was no major thing that has pushed me into this state of numbness. 

In truth, 2013 has had a lot of little things strung together. In a way, this is so much worse. In the past, I could deal with my feelings about a singular incident and eventually come out a better person. This time, I feel like I am trying to walk up a gravel mountain. Each time I think I have figured out how to walk up this slippery slope, something happens and I slide back down. 

What makes this time worse too, is who I am now. I am a strong, confident, happily married, Christian woman. How can someone like that, feel like their life is contained in a thick pea soup fog that she can not get out of? How can she sit in a church worship service, every Sunday, and hear her beloved minister and think he is speaking a foreign language? The truth is - I don't know. 

All I do know, is this is where my head is currently located. I know some of you have never dealt with depression, and your thought will be - just be happy.

I wish it was that easy!!

So why do i share all this?

I do it for two reasons. One, I believe the only way to live my life is to be open and honest. I would hate for someone to think i don't like them or that they have done something wrong because I am not acting the same way toward them. It is lame, but the truth really is - It is me, not you.

The second reason I share all of this, is to hopefully help someone else. I do not have a magic remedy that will remove this cloud from my life. I believe with all my heart that God walks with me on this path. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing anyone else says or does will make the fog clear any sooner. So, when this is meant to clear, it will. Until then, I will paint and create. Someday's will be easier than others. But there will absolutely come a day when I make it through the day without crying, when I paint a picture slightly cheerier than the day before, and when I stop slipping in the gravel and life starts to make sense. 

I hope and pray for everyone dealing with this issue.
Know that you are loved AND that you do not walk this walk alone. 

The painting I am sharing today was actually painted right AFTER I wrote up this post. It was my creative version of the way the inside of my brain and emotions seem right now. I used some fabulous Artistcellar stencils and assorted Gloss acrylic paints by Deco Arts.

I call it "Chaotic But Real". 
Hugs - Lori


Jean said...


Shaz in Oz.CalligraphyCards said...

Hullo dear Lori,
ah so know what you mean as been down that path often as you say nothing you can put your finger on, but still you are in that dark place.. but it is not one we are alone in, as you say. I remember the verse "when I sit in darkness the LORD shall be a light unto me. Micah 7:8" Micah and the minor prophets had much to sorrow over..

This is poem which the LORD has often blessed me with too, will paste it below!

.. and praying for you, Lori, for gods' everlasting grace to be with you.. in your "black dog days" which is what I call them..there is light and the darkest hour is just before the dawn,
love Shaz.xx

PS this post may help too:


The Weaver

My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colours; He worketh steadily.

Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget that he sees the upper and I the underside.

Not ‘till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver’s skilful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

Behind my life the Weaver stands and works His wondrous will,
I leave it in His all- wise hands and trust His perfect skill.

Author unknown

Shaz in Oz.CalligraphyCards said...

I love the art too! bright, uplifting colours, Shaz in Oz.x

Charlene said...

Yes, ((((HUGS)))) to you Lori! I love your painting, especially that you used RED! It makes me think of lots of little things floating around in the brain getting in the way of clear thinking. I'll be praying for the 'fog' to lift.

Sue from GJS said...

Beautiful work, as always. Thank you for sharing your heart (and art) with us. I, too, have suffered from bouts of depression for years. It can be debilitating. Hugs, know you are loved.

Lisa said...

I'm also sending cyber-hugs! I hope that the fog lifts soon and you can get back to your happy place. xo

Von said...

(((Lori))) truth to tell honey, in a lifetime everyone has suffered from bouts of depression, whether light or heavy from single or accumulated reasons. Lifting you in prayer for the walk before you and know you are not alone. Love you sweetie!

silvergran said...

May the the warmth and light of friendship surround you and ease the numb and the dark.
Art is such a wonderful therapy; so much strength and warmth in your piece:)

Paula said...

Lori you are such a brave beautiful woman. Not many people are willing to share that they suffer in darkness like you and I do. It's difficult on a good day and impossible on a bad day. But I can tell you from experience the really good days are worth fighting for. Art helps, but most of all God pulls me through. (((hugs))).

Maureen Hayes said...

I am currently suffering from depression myself, so I truly do get how you feel. I will keep you in my prayers and hopefully we will both be feeling better soon. At least we aren't in this alone!


Carol said...

depression is a medical illness...nothign more, nothing less. Your biochemistry is out of balance, making it difficult to deal with life. For starters see your doctor, also start taking vitamin B supplements and go from there.

sandee said...

Oh Lori, no wonder we haven't been seeing you around much. I have never suffered from depression but I will pray for you and hope you can return to us soon. I missed seeing you, just thought you were very busy! We love you! ♥

Emily Hammann said...

Hugs my dear! I too suffer from depression and have for years. Like you said, some times are worse than others. I love this piece you have creates to share today. It's beautiful. Art is such a wonderful way to express feeling. Hoping it gets better soon. Hugs!

Emily Hammann said...

Beautiful piece of work! Art is a great way to express your feelings. And I love your work so much.. It makes me happy. And I have suffered from depression as well for years. Like you said... It comes and goes. Hugs!!

Carole Z said...

Hi Lori, reading your post I saw myself, as I have been and do still go down the same dark path from time to time. It's usually triggered by something, such as like you with your Dad, the loss of my dear Mum, 6 years ago. It wasn't a sudden passing, but my beloved husband and I had been her carers and suddenly she wasn't there. At the moment issues and people at work are hurting me and causing some tears. I too feel 'guilt' because I have a wonderful life and husband, it's really hard and I am grateful for my world of art and crafts which lifts my spirits. Your piece today is beautiful. Sending a huge hug, Lori..XX

Gillian Pearce said...

Hi Lori

I feel for you. I spent many years of my life in and out of depression and know just how debilitating it is.

Hang on in there knowing that it will pass (as it has before) and that feeling depressed says nothing about you as a human being. Happy, sad, depressed, excited, scared, successful - whatever adjective you want to apply to yourself - none of these are what you are.

And who says paintings have to be cheery? When you can, paint what you feel like painting without the added judgement of what it should or shouldn't be. If you feel like doing black and scratchy and rubbish. So be it!

All is well Lori. It really, really is and I understand that it doesn't feel that way right now.

Sending you heaps of love and supporting you in knowing that "when this is meant to clear, it will."


Nancy Lee said...

Lori, I'm praying for you now.
Sweet,think what God is saying about you. YOU are THE apple of His eye!