This is going to be a little bit different blog post. In this blog post, I will not only share about something I have created, but I am going to share me. In the 40 some years I have been on this earth, I have dealt with depression a few times.
This year is one of those times. I don't feel like I did after having two babies in 19 months. I don't feel like I did when I unexpectedly lost my father, on his birthday. There was no major thing that has pushed me into this state of numbness.
In truth, 2013 has had a lot of little things strung together. In a way, this is so much worse. In the past, I could deal with my feelings about a singular incident and eventually come out a better person. This time, I feel like I am trying to walk up a gravel mountain. Each time I think I have figured out how to walk up this slippery slope, something happens and I slide back down.
What makes this time worse too, is who I am now. I am a strong, confident, happily married, Christian woman. How can someone like that, feel like their life is contained in a thick pea soup fog that she can not get out of? How can she sit in a church worship service, every Sunday, and hear her beloved minister and think he is speaking a foreign language? The truth is - I don't know.
All I do know, is this is where my head is currently located. I know some of you have never dealt with depression, and your thought will be - just be happy.
I wish it was that easy!!
So why do i share all this?
I do it for two reasons. One, I believe the only way to live my life is to be open and honest. I would hate for someone to think i don't like them or that they have done something wrong because I am not acting the same way toward them. It is lame, but the truth really is - It is me, not you.
The second reason I share all of this, is to hopefully help someone else. I do not have a magic remedy that will remove this cloud from my life. I believe with all my heart that God walks with me on this path. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing anyone else says or does will make the fog clear any sooner. So, when this is meant to clear, it will. Until then, I will paint and create. Someday's will be easier than others. But there will absolutely come a day when I make it through the day without crying, when I paint a picture slightly cheerier than the day before, and when I stop slipping in the gravel and life starts to make sense.
I hope and pray for everyone dealing with this issue.
Know that you are loved AND that you do not walk this walk alone.
The painting I am sharing today was actually painted right AFTER I wrote up this post. It was my creative version of the way the inside of my brain and emotions seem right now. I used some fabulous Artistcellar stencils and assorted Gloss acrylic paints by Deco Arts.
I call it "Chaotic But Real".
Hugs - Lori